I recently had a conversation with a woman which was similar to so many other conversations that I have had over the 25 years that I have worked with massage and sacred intimacy. After asking what I do for a living she was initially shocked and reacted to the fact that I work intimately with woman to help on their journey of healing, self exploration and fulfillment. She could not imagine having this kind of work with a man - even though she was currently having sexual healing sessions with a female therapist.
I asked what her feelings were about men working in an intimate way with women and she said that only men with a sexual agenda would be interested in doing tantric massage. I said “they are your thoughts not your feelings - how do you feel in your body?”
She said she felt uncomfortable about it. I asked if that was same feeling she had when originally deciding to find a female therapist. She said that this was not the case.
“What is different?” I asked, and she said she would be afraid that a man would have the a sexual agenda.
“And what if a female therapist had a sexual agenda?” I asked. She was taken aback as that had never even crossed her mind.
I asked whether she could face her wounding with a safe man.
She said “no, the fear and trauma was created by a man.”
I asked, “how does this affect your life?” She said it touches into most areas of her life. I asked if she wanted to change her relationship with men. She said that she does but she would only see a female therapist for this.
I asked her whether a woman would trigger the same response within her as a man.
She said “No that is why I see a woman - I do not want to be triggered into those feelings again, I want to release and heal the trauma in a safe environment”.
I asked “will you ever put yourself into a place of vulnerability with a man again?” to which she said “no.”
“So you feel that all men are the same in this area?” I asked
She gave ma a ‘look’ and said “in this area, yes men all want the same thing in the end, sex.”
I said “Wow that is a really sad and limiting place to be, I am sorry you feel like that. It isn’t the truth - there are many many good men. So what about love?” I asked
“what about it” she asked.
“Surely to truly love means one surrenders to complete openess and vulnerability” to which she responded - “I would never be so gullible to trust to that level again - I can love without being vulnerable”
“I hope that is true for you” I said, “I know that for me, without vulnerability love is not complete.”
We continued our conversation and then went our separate ways. It left me feeling sad that often men are all painted with the same brush.
This is just one of the areas where I see so many women struggle. The fear of vulnerability, of being used or taken advantage of is often in the forefront of many women’s minds. They have either not met a man who can hold space for them allowing love to flourish or they have not been willing to recieve it when this has been present for them. The men I speak to are mostly coming from a desire to love more deeply and to be moved by love in their intimate connections. There are many conscious and safe men but there is often confusion within this - it is seen that we have to be able to hold a woman through their emotions and ‘stuff’ but are then judged as not being men when we go into our own vulnerability. That, however, is for another article though.
If a woman has intimacy issues with a man eventually she will need to face them with a man - be that a lover or a therapist - and I dont mean a talking therapist - talking about it can only take one so far - I mean working with it somatically, in the body, through the body - because this is where the feelings are held and this is where the healing can be embodied.
My Sacred Bodywork sessions guide you into an amplified conscious experience of the moment, throughout your body, throughout your senses. They create a space for us to bring awareness, connection, energy, acceptance, healing and love to the places that are taboo in other forms of massage. These intimate and sacred places hold an enormous amount of tension and emotion as well as vast oceans of pleasure. Within this work, unconscious feelings can be revealed, understood and released - this happens when in a safe space of polarity - in my case - a man holding a woman with no desire other than to be in total loving service to hold the space for them to experience themselve as pure potential - the Tao, God, the sacred - however their mind frames it.
Peter Warnock is a sacred intimacy coach, intimate bodyworker, breath worker and tantra teacher who has been practising and teaching internationally since 1992. He is the creator of Synergy Bodywork, Synergy Breath-work and Synergy Tantric Bodywork. He lives in a tantric relationship with his partner Kalindi Jordan.